A Run For My Mental Health That's Been Going On Since Birth

Day 1

It is very easy to stay in the comfort zone of life. We probably all could look back at one time and say that really helped me out.

What if, though, you never felt comfortable in your own skin? What if the despair of simply staying put in one city, one place, one job, for years drove you nuts? What would a personal, inner world look like with all of these things in place?

Probably, all would be well in the person’s world.

I don’t know because I’m always running. 

Running from job to job, city to city, place to place...and the energy to focus, breathe, heal, and love departs.

Somewhere inside of my mind, I probably made an unconscious decision to just run. Run for my life. Yeah, I’ve run (physically) long distances at one point. Going out on 10- to 20-mile runs on a Sunday afternoon definitely gave me that adrenaline rush. But that type of running hasn’t been in my life for years.

A Resting Mind Leads To A Resting Place

A resting mind leads to a resting place. I believe that my mind likes to play tricks on me. It leads me into the darkest places and there is no safety net. Forget about it. Even friendships and relationships get messed up. Why am I this way? Why do I do this over and over again? Therapy helps, friend. It’s a great way to have another professional’s voice listening and asking questions in helping me figure shit out.

This thing called mental health is no joke. Look around your city, town, state, province, country and see if you can spot mentally healthy people. They are there, but I have to stop and really look for them. To me, they would follow along what late children’s show host Fred Rogers would call “the helpers.”

Trust me, I’ve had a ton of “the helpers” in my own life. There are men and women who probably would not get along with other helpers if I invited them all to a party. 

Yet this mind of mine...it’s like a ticking time bomb. When will the anxiety, fear, lust, thirst for sanity, and on and on, stop? Maybe when I stop thinking about all of this and breathe. Yes, this mental life has led me on and on since birth.

Making An Arrival Here On Earth

Now I arrived here on Earth, Gaia, in August 1964. Getting here had its moments, of course. One thing that came along with me was a facial difference. It’s called a birth defect by others. I choose not to use that term. It was a cleft lip and cleft palate, along with a missing uvula, that tagged along for the ride through the fallopian tubes.

Lots of physical therapy, doctors, and surgical repairs happened. It was hard to settle down yet those issues were simply a sidebar. What I have come to understand about myself is the need for environmental safety. Nothing is worse than having a panic attack and doing things that don’t reflect who I am on the inside. But I do take responsibility for my mess-ups. I say “environmental safety” because it’s a term, to me, that connects with early home life. That caused my mental state to go haywire as I’ve spent too many years around mentally ill people. 

Mom had breakdowns and a suicide attempt. My grandmother, as I have come to figure out, definitely had some emotional, mental health stuff going on. All of that craziness happened on my watch. Yeah, I call it my watch because it feels like I was on the border between sanity and insanity for 40-plus years. 

I could mask it all with work, booze, sex, etc. But that’s not a healthy solution, people. Not at all.

Did my mental health improve after they all died? Yes and no. Sure, I have had those times where everything was peaceful on the inside and outside. But gimme a few months and I’ll screw that up eventually. 

In case you didn’t know, I’m quite good at beating myself up over the past. That’s also a way to keep me out of the present moment. Getting in the present is something I keep working on all the time. Why? Because I’ve been too “checked-out” for years. It is not a recipe for wellness. No, it’s a recipe that fills an appetite for destruction.

Running For My Life More Than Old TV Show

Running for my life is more than an old classic TV show. That phrase might sum up my entire life after moving from my hometown to Houston, Texas, in 1993. I call Houston my hometown because that’s where the ups and downs have occurred. A lot of stuff did happen in Beaumont, Texas, where I was raised. Sometimes, I do wonder if it would have been a great idea for me to not live at the childhood residence after reaching puberty.

Mental health matters. I mean it, people. Mental health matters. Because of what I have been through, it makes me even more of an advocate for people getting help. Also, I’m a big believer in reading books. That’s right. Reading books about mental health, even another person’s story can definitely make a lot of difference.

As you may or may not know, I’m also an advocate for the facial difference community. Yes, I’m also a spiritual man who believes in divine love and joy for all people. For everyone. Not just the “chosen few.” Phooey. The ones who have been up all night banging their heads or cutting themselves for some physical relief from their mental pain are my people.

They Are Your People, Too

Truth be told, they are your people, too. We live among a society in the United States separated by ideologies and political stances. Go “right” or go “left” or go home. Pick your poison, baby. There is one thread, though, that connects everyone. Sit down. Ready? All of us deal with mental health issues in our lives.

They may not be as strong in you. But they are there. It might manifest in blowing up at someone you love. It might become real when an emotion or feeling becomes too uncomfortable to “sit with,” as therapists might suggest.

What are the answers for a better mental health world? It’s going to take a long journey for us to find out. Are you willing to do the grunt work inside your soul? Are you willing to stop playing games with mental health? Are you willing to drop your version of “the truth” for a healthier version?

I’m determined to find out. Empathy matters. Support matters. No, wait. Let me go back and repeat myself. Empathy matters. Without it, well, you can see all around you what we do to one another. It’s not pretty. It’s making a lot of people look petty.

OK, let’s go on this journey together. You might as well know that this all is going to be fodder for a new book. We’re going to take a 30-day journey together. All you have to do is watch as I post these musings for 30 straight days. 

Then we will see where I am in 30 days. You can feel free to join the trip. It’s a different kind of “head trip.”